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Have you ever had one of those seasons in life where you feel so distracted by life events that you can’t seem to concentrate on any one thing? I think that is where I’ve been lately. I’ve been trying to keep our family busy just to keep our minds off things. But then my youngest caught the flu last week and I found myself at home with him for several days. It can be painful to let our thoughts catch up with us, but it’s probably just what I needed. I tried to work from home, writing liturgy and other creative things that require silence for me, but I mostly just stared out the window. My thoughts tumbled like a wind-up toy—quickly at first like flipping through the channels on TV, and then slowing and slowing, until nothing…until I was caught in the wind tugging at the few stubborn leaves that hung on all winter. I think I know how they feel.
My husband is a Methodist pastor as well, but he has two lives. He has a civilian life and a military one. He is a chaplain in the Army National Guard. We expect him to be departing from us this week. He will be training in preparation for a return to Iraq sometime in March. We think he will be home around January 2009. I can’t believe that we are going through this again. I can’t explain the feeling.
Life becomes surreal when you find yourself having to let go of someone. It feels a little bit like dealing with a terminal illness. I spoke recently with one widow who talked about losing her husband. She said she just sat next to him and rubbed his arms, touching his skin, building her last memories. She knew it would not be long before he was gone. It was hard not to cry when she told me this. I knew just what she meant. I do the same thing. At night, I always fall asleep with my head on his chest. We call this “shoulder time.” My neck usually becomes stiff and I roll over in my sleep, but lately I notice I keep one hand awkwardly behind my back, even in my sleep, just to feel that he is still there. I wake up when I am not touching him.
I know he tells me he is more likely to die in a car accident in the U.S. than he is to die in this war. I don’t know if this comforts me or not. When your husband is going to war, it heightens your awareness of mortality, of how fragile life is, and how precious every day is that you have together. In a few days he will be gone. My bed will be empty again. Our 9pm Rummy 500 duals over the dining room table and club soda every night, and our weekly date night when the boys go to their dad’s, and all the little things he does like washing my car and taking out the trash and picking up crickets for the lizard, will all become missing. The space in time will be vacant, and I will have to find ways to fill it. This is the hardest part, the transition. I think it will get better. It just takes a while. Those leaves are going to have to let go sooner or later. There are new ones under there, and they will pry away the grip of the old whether they want to let go or not. Thus a new chapter in our lives unfold.
Please comment on this discussion.
Monday, 03-03-08 10:33
This is my first time reading your blog Stephanie. I almost didn't read it today...It's a Monday, I have many things to try and accomplish...but I think I heard a whisper . It said ,"You'll get it done. Go ahead and read." I can't even fathom what you and your boys are facing and dealing with and I won't pretend that I do. When I search my heart these thoughts emerge; perhaps it wasn't by accident that you are at the LSUMC in 2008 for Stephaine you are already loved by so very many of us! I know that there are many who would absolutely consider it an honor to be there for you and your family. (In fact, I can name 15 off the top of my head, myself included!) But there are so many more. No, it won't be the same as having your husband right next to you. But I believe with all of my heart that God's love walks with your husband and will cloak around you and your boys ,at this time especially ,as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is whereever you are, God is for his love and compassion are in those around you. Please, please, let us walk beside you as you & your family walk down the road your facing. You, your husband and boys , are and will remain in my daily prayers Stephanie. Much love and blessing, Andrea
Monday, 03-03-08 19:38
Many years ago, I remember when my husband, Marvin, left for 9 months with the Navy. It was heart wrenching. What it did, though, was build a relationship that we cherished for almost 30 years until he died from cancer. I remember I kept thinking that every day he was gone he was also one day closer to being back home again. I wish I had that now. It is difficult to understand why God chooses the path he does but in the end, we are stronger people and closer to God. Please remember that in the absence of your husband's arm at night, God's strong arm will be there. Always. And forever, Stephanie. That part I can attest to. You and your family are in my prayers. Please call if there is anything I can do.
In Christ, Ann
Wednesday, 03-05-08 17:56
I have not had to withstand parting with a loved one other than overnight, so I cannot imagine your heartache, fear and pure sadness. The little I know of you, I know you are also very proud and sure of the committment made to our country by you and your husband. I just want to say Thank You to you both....I want to say we, at LSUMC are so blessed to have you as part of our family/community...I want to say there are so many of us here for you and anxious to help you through this year of challenge. God Bless You and all of Your Family.
Saturday, 03-08-08 18:07
Stephanie,
The song "We are Family" comes to my mind as I read your message. My hear goes out to you on this as I, too, have had friends and families involved in this war and many others. I pray daily for all our military personnel across the world.
In was several years ago when I started the Military Ministry at LSUMC and it has been such a blessing not only to the soldiers but to the congregation of LSUMC. We have received several flags flown in our honor, dozens of thank you notes and letters. and personal thank you's delivered in church services.
Let us walk with you during this difficult time. Know that we are a family and we care about your husband, your children and especially for you. You are such a blessing to our church! Keep the faith.
Monday, 06-23-08 14:48
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Wednesday, 06-25-08 16:43